Tomorrow I begin the great experiment, Office Hours, again, at MCA, as part of the developmental residency.  In some ways I don’t even really understand what I am doing, but something about the idea of sitting down for an hour and being available for direct conversation with someone appeals to me.  Last year at this time, and for some years before that, I would have had no interest whatsoever in this idea; I was so burned out by life that the thought of GIVING anything more was an anathema.  My eros was completely emptied.  But I feel better this year, and for some reason, a lot of the conversation I have been having is kind of giving me energy, instead of taking it.  Also, a colleague asked me whether or not I was in persona while “performing” Office Hours, and at first I said, no, no, its not like that.  Then I thought about it for a minute and realized that I am in persona all the time as a teacher, and in fact, most of my attention to others is a performance.  Generally, at heart, in my shriveled up little soul, I don’t care about anyone nor do I wish to listen or pay attention to them.  I am working hard when I attend; it is a decision I have made, it doesn’t  come naturally at all.  So I am going to be paying some attention to the way I pay attention, noting how it affects my body, for instance, and whether I can remember to ask questions instead of holding forth on my particular theories.  It is very affecting energetically to sit in a place and hope that someone stops by to talk; you get a strange combo vibe of tension and lassitude.  But one thing I know: it is also kind of interesting to be available when nobody cares or talks to you.  That is kind of like a meditation of availability.  Staying open to just an empty seat.  I am sure there will be a fair amount of that for the next 5 weeks.  I am glad to be doing something that I don’t know how to do.